Wow,its been
a little while since I been here.
I gues life
got in the way and I got a little distracted with events happening in my life.
Too much
work at the office,getting home and feeling too tired to sit and write,thinking
about my future. Where will I be in five,ten years? What will I have
achieved,will I be married then,will I be a mom,or I’ll still be single.
I remember
mentioning how I had recently met and liked someone who had asked to be my
fried on facebook.
Well,I still
have not accepted his request (lets call him Brownie), with good reason,and I
think just as well.
Being
friends with someone you like romantically on face book can be a torturous even
irritating ordeal, you are at a stage where you want to get to know more about
that person so you want to see what latest thing they’ve put on their wall,are
they talking about you,who are their friends, which person’s status are they
always commenting on? is it a guy or a girl and you further go down to THAT
person to check THEM out; whats the relationship? Are they just friends or
should you be threatened by them? Are they family? What do they do? Do they
have powerful jobs? Are they well established, how far have they gone with their
education, what pics are there showing the person you like with them? what are
they doing in those pics? Hugging,kissing,scuba diving?
You literally
become an investigator without meaning to. Because facebook raises a lot of
questions when it comes to relationships and trust.
You may just
lay out your heart to somebody who is just out to hurt you,or who may hurt you
without wanting to.
I chose not
to do that,not to see all that.
In as much
as I like this person,and he likes me back. We both had a life before we met
with other people,some people keep their ex
as friends on facebook,I don’t know how that works for them.
How does
that work for someone you like,that they see you talking to ex on facebook?
Some have
their current partner as their friend on facebook when they are starting
something with YOU.
Some people
say that if you meet someone who is involved with someone else and you get to
like each other,the best thing to do is to walk away from it before you get in
too deep.
Others say
if they aren’t married then you can stick around because you just never know
who your soulmate may turn out to be.
It could be
that girl who has been going out with that guy for three
years,you like each other but then she’s been going out with that guy for three
years so what chance do you have? I mean you just met her 5months ago after all.
Who has the bigger chunk? You or him? Should you stick around knowing she may
never even pick you? Its possible for someone to love two people mind you and
find it hard to decide who to pick finally.
Or maybe
just let yourself go and just enjoy her company in spite of him hovering.
Afterall,you will have loved,whether it works out or not,you still opened up
your heart to what you felt. You were honest with yourself.
Finding your
true love can be a mammoth task.
It leaves
you emotionally spent. There are no rules,no guiding book ; even though you may
boast about reading this book or that book. With love, books are nothing.
Each person
that comes and goes in your life has their own way of loving.
People just
don’t love the same,and you cant love the people that come in and out of your
life the same way. The way you loved your ex is not the same way you love your
current or the one that may come after because people are different, interests
are different,ideas, exposure,all that plays a role.
Time also
plays a major role. How old are you right now? Do you feel pressured to meet
someone? it may not necessarily be pressure from your environment i.e friends,family,workmates,but
it can be pressure from YOURSELF as an individual,
you get to a point where you need someone for you to have something rich with that you can enjoy and get fulfillment from,
something that makes you look forward to each day, something and someone that inspires you to better yourself everyday, making it all
worth it. It could be your child,your parent,a sibling,depending.
A couple of
my friends tend to mention what a great mom I’d make every now and then in our conversations.
I am what you’d say one of each,I can be this crazy person with crazy humor,I love
to have fun,I love to interact and I am also grounded much to some people’s surprise.
I hadn’t
really thought much about being a mom,mostly its been about my career and what
I want to achieve,how am I going to express myself to the world,how can I tell
them am here and I can do this.
For a
woman-or maybe let me speak for myself,there comes a time when that maternal instinct kicks in
and you feel you wanna be a mom. I’ve felt like that a couple of times here n
there but it would come and go and I’d brush it off as merely being hormonal.
But I say this because I’m probably not the only woman that feels this way; when
you meet a man you really like or maybe have fallen in love with? You just want
to have a mini of them,a little being that brings the best of you together.
And just
like that you get that motivation to actually WANT to get pregnant. Even when you may not be ready. Its like a
cajoling or warm feeling to want to.
You cant
feel like that with just any man,it has to be someone you really really like or
love.
I recently
thought that I may have gotten pregnant.
Turns out I
wasn’t.
It was a
case of mixed feelings?
Because on
one hand you want that to happen but on the other hand you know that its no
joke to have a little person to look after for the rest of your life. A lot
will change,it will be about them now,you think about them first and foremost
in everything. You may not go where you wanted to go,buy that which you’ve
always wanted to buy,you wont be free to just up and leave for vacations or day
outs,you may have to slow down on your career. And what about your partner? Do
they even want it?
And the
complications of at what stage your relationship with them is at. They equally
have goals they need to achieve in their life,they need stability,they need
security.
So I thought
to myself,it hasn’t happened now,maybe God just has a plan for when it WILL
happen.
90 percent
of the time we think we know best when God knows so much better of what we can
and cannot handle at certain points in our lives.
How do you
know they are the one? I mean it starts off like they are the one and down the
road you just get to skid and halt and find that you were on the wrong road all
along. Even when you had been with them for so long, it doesn’t mean they are
the one for you.
But I gues
with life you cant always know,you plan one thing and something contrary
happens.
I think I’ve
come to appreciate that having time alone to speak to yourself,listen to
yourself,meditate and pray,feel God’s warm embrace helps you to forgive yourself
not to be too hard on yourself when you
fail, to soldier on and pick yourself up when you try and don’t succeed the
first time.
Brownie is
an interesting individual, he has his “issues” like the previous ones, but I feel
he is more grounded in spite of it all.
I gues as a
woman when you get older and single,you realy cant expect to find a man that doesn’t
have some sorta issue. I gues you need to accept that life happened to them
too,same way it happened to you and there is probably someone hovering in their
life by the time they actually get to meet you.
I have no
idea why I tend to bump into the ones with issues all the time,I mean do I look
like Oprah? I can just swoop in and fix everything? I need my own and so this
time around I wont put in so much effort with this.
I will be an
old fashioned woman and let him do the donkey work,the previous ones didn’t do
much so I’ll let him work.
I will not
lose who I am because I have met somebody I like , instead I will learn from
them,as I always do and see what difference they are making in my life,if they
are relevant or irrelevant.
Brownie is
cool and calm,I like the fact that he’s assertive. But like most guys,he is
still stumbling around with what he really wants,so I wont sit around and wait
for him to make a decision.
I will not make it my preoccupation wondering on
where I stand with him because it will just leave me feeling spent. I will
continue to embrace myself even when he is around ,I will show my love because I
love to give-that’s who I am,but I will be fair to myself and let my spirit
soar.
That doesn’t
mean it will be easy to do. Times will come when I may get angry with hanging
on to brownie, already I have been angry with myself every now and then for
letting myself in such a situation But I accept that I’m human and I am allowed
to have those feelings ,as long as they
do not consume me to a point where I cant even bear being who I am altogether.
If we are
meant to be-then it will be God’s will.
