I Died Once And I still Remember....

I died once and I still remember the pain

I remember how tight my chest felt,

I remember not being able to breath,

As if submerged in water and how it hurt

I remember how small I felt, engulfed in emptiness’’ shadow,

I still remember the cold,

It went right through my body and made me shiver like a leaf,

It consumed me...

I remember the void, deep and hollow

I remember what “nothing” felt like it was more painful than “anything”.

I died once and I still remember the pain

I still remember how my body shook, wrecked in sobs that I couldn’t control

I remember the pain in my eyes and how they hurt as if there was sand in them,

I died once and I still remember the pain,

I still remember the bitter taste of food, the bland taste of water and the sweet taste of alcohol

I remember because alcohol was better; water was life, it was for the living, I was dead, a ghost among the living

I died once and I can still remember the pain,

I still remember the inaudible voices and the voices in my head,

I remember how surreal the days were,

The sun rose and it set, and I was just there standing like a ghost, as right I should have been for I was dead, I had felt myself die.

I still remember how dry my throat felt; each time I tried to swallow it felt like I was trying to swallow pins and needles.

I hemorrhaged from the inside,

I was losing life,

To what shred of life would I hold on to?

I walked among the living,

 I tried to be like them, tried to laugh like them,

Yet inside I was bleeding to death.

It felt like i was diseased and all I wanted was for it to all end 

I died once and I still remember the pain

I remember how it felt dying,

Losing myself, losing who I was

Seconds passed,

Minutes

Hours

Days

Weeks

Months

And I was just there, feeling myself dying, 

Feeling my life leave my body,

I was weak from the pain I felt from dying

And weak from all I had given

I had almost nothing left for myself,

I died once and I remember it all, 

I still remember not recognizing the person in the mirror, with her sunken empty eyes and dry lips, lips without color.

I died once and I still remember the pain,

The pain of getting back to life, 

I still remember the will to live

I remember it all, 

It felt like pushing myself through a thick set of vines to break free

I remember how I ached

I still remember the pain of getting back to life, as if hauling myself up from a cliff with my hands bleeding and my thighs sore 

And it all felt like war,

It was a battle

And for a moment I wasn’t sure if I would win

And yet somehow I did, I pushed through the thick vines and I hauled myself up from the cliff I had fallen

And there I was, alive and breathing

As if I had come up for air from the water

I can still remember the throb in my thighs as my muscles tightened and then released from the intensity,

The fast beating of my heart and how louder it got,

Reminding me I was alive and that I was here. 

I had made it.

I died once and sometimes I still remember the pain,

Like embers inside me it glows softly

Reminding me of the burn that once was and now no more 

I died once 

I choose not to die again,

Not this time 

Not ever

 

I choose to live

ON LETTING GO....

“You will find another man” they said; “yeah you know! And you will have another baby” they continued encouragingly.

I snorted to myself; yeah I will, I thought to myself ,I can just walk into a store and pick a man from the “males section” throw that in my basket; walk on to the “baby section” and throw in that.

They continued with the pep talk “Besides look at you, you are pretty, you are smart and funny; a guy would be insane not to have you” my friends smiled at me; I smiled back along with them-they meant well and I loved them for it. If my friends were right then you are insane.

But nothing they said and nothing else really made sense at the moment. I was basically dead inside.

“You need a good fuck; when was the last time you got some real sex? With a real nice big dick!”

We laughed as we made dick jokes.

I couldn’t remember the last time-oh yes I do actually; it was quite a while, the last time you came to see me and we had that awful fight; I thought about how I may have probably even closed up down there by now; I didn’t even know I was “dumpable” until it happened to me; I smiled to myself for still being able to have a sense of humor and laugh at myself despite how lousy I was feeling.

I took another swig of my wine and rolled my eyes as they continued on about how I wasn’t being real and just get myself laid. Like it was Panadol for my headache.

Yeah, like a dick was some magic stick that would drill out all this heaviness I was feeling. If only it were that easy-but it’s not. At least not for me; I don’t go about screwing people for psychological stability.

We drank more wine;

We called all men swines;

“He will come to realize what an awesome person you are and come back; by then it will be too late for him”

I smiled politely and thought to myself, well, it doesn’t always end that way; sometimes they don’t realize, sometimes they are actually very fine and move on with their lives and are content; while you struggle with putting yourself together. They couldn’t care less; I mean; you were probably in the arms of another woman right now; having sex.

 As if on cue Mirriam offered me a shot of tequila and I took it down without blinking.

The thought!

I asked her to pour me another. She did and I took that one too.

We drank more wine.

“Besides being single is awesome,i mean you don’t have to deal with all the insecurities we deal with on a daily basis. The other day Aaron came home late and…”…..I didn’t hear the rest. I didn’t want to hear anymore relationship problems, my mind drifted to the last fight we had and I could almost see your face as you stared down at me without saying anything to me and how I had boiled in anger and frustration at your seemingly lack of empathy. Why everything was always complicated with you.

I was so deep in my thoughts so much that I didn’t realize I was staring at some guy across the room sitting in a corner, he gave me a friendly wave and smiled at me. I ignored him, nothing about men moved me anymore.

We drank more wine.

Then Miriam received a call from her boyfriend and she had to leave. He was home and she needed to go and do “relationship things.

We sat there for a while a split squad without one of our members trying to adjust.

Chanda took out her phone to check for any new message from home; she had left her 3 year old in the care of a visiting aunt and was checking her phone every few minutes. Her daughter’s photo was her screensaver and it came on as she turned on the phone.

I thought of you and Tiny and took a swig of my wine as Chanda texted away.

I thought of how everyone around me was seemingly having babies, having steady men or getting married. Even the ones you would think were ugly and couldn’t possibly get married seemed to be happier than my miserable self. No wonder people resort to witchcraft. I could swear I may have been cursed; maybe some hater was sitting under a mango tree somewhere in the dusty plains of mongu or luapula chanting my name over a bowl of beads; or maybe God was punishing me for something I don’t know I did-my mind was a train of thoughts.

I took a swig of my wine and chided myself to stop thinking like that.

We drank more wine.

"The guy in the corner” came over behind me as I was dancing on the dance floor and I told myself, hey you know what? Just dance with him, let your hair down; enough mopping. So I danced; I twerked; and he grabbed my waist and we slow whined to the music. I pretended it was you holding my hips.

We danced, we laughed. And I slithered away from him before he got too clingy.

It was time to go home.

I walked towards my car and opened the door; the music from the club died down immediately as I closed the door and all I could hear was the dull thudding of music from the silence of my car. I could still feel a ringing in my ears from the last song. We had requested a replay.

I sat for a while in my car, feeling drunk and blank. Outside a man cussed; a whore had vomited all over his shoes. On a normal day I would have been amused. As it was I just looked on blankly at the episode going on between them. They argued for a bit; and he pushed her away. She drunkenly walked back into the club hurling insults.

I suddenly felt tired of this life. The routine, the monotony of it……the clock on my dashboard read 2:30 a.m.

I turned on the ignition and immediately my playlist came on and Akua Naru’s strong sensual voice came to life.

I drove out of the side of the road where I had parked and moved slowly towards home….

It was quiet and everything felt louder, from the sound of my keys clinging against each other, to the sound of my heels, to my breathing.

As I opened the door and turned on the lights I stood for a moment by the doorway, staring at my silent living room. I was back here alone again.

My eyes were drawn to the picture on the wall-it was a picture of us; smiling; happy. I looked down away from it and suddenly felt sick. I closed the door and walked towards the picture on the wall and took it down and then I looked at you, held in time by the science and art of photography. Smiling and confident. I don’t know how long I stood there as tears rolled down my eyes quietly in rapid fury. I don’t know what happened to us; what happened to you.

I put down the  picture on the bookshelf face down, I couldn’t look at it anymore; I  told myself I would have to pack it away the next morning; along with rest of your things.

I wiped my eyes and continued on towards my room and collapsed on the bed, the same bed that held so many memories.

We made so much love on this bed. Do you remember? Remember how you would cup my breast in your hand like that? Or how you would make me moan and command my body to obey you and my soul to open up to you? Do you remember? I still do. I still remember my hands moving down your shoulders; I still remember your laughter; I still remember your mouth and what it would do to me…things it would do….

I closed my eyes as I felt myself get wet and my body whispered to me that yes it remembers and that it wanted you. I fought off my yearning and turned over, curled up like a child. The room spun and I felt sick; my chest hurt.

I giddily found myself in the bathroom getting sick bent over the toilet; my body shaking with every assault.

When it was over I just sat there on the floor feeling too weak to get up; I felt overcome; powerless like I had been in battle and had been beaten. That’s what loving you felt like come to think of it;

Loving you was like war never came back the same.

And it was really over. It was me against the world once more; all over again.  My eyes fixated on an ant that was moving across the floor; carrying with it something bigger that it was. I felt my heaviness once more; the ant made it seem effortless carrying that thing, how did it do it?

And then I thought to myself; maybe it felt heavier because the burden was inside; it’s heavier when the load is carried within. The lone ant moved on with its load and entered a hole in the wall.

I closed my eyes and the tears I fought off earlier once again came spilling in a torrent, flooding my eyes.

I thought about Tiny and how I wish she was here with me and my heart ached like only a mother’s heart would ache at the thought of never getting to hold her child.
She would have been a month old by now; and I wondered if she would have had your gentleness and my fire all in one. I wondered what her eyes would have looked like; if she would have been laughing as hard as I do. I instinctively moved my hand towards my stomach-I would never get to know Tiny; she left before I could even say “hi” to her.

Am sorry Tiny; that you couldn’t stay; maybe God remembered He still needed you to do something else for Him, maybe you will come again. I will always love and remember you. You would have loved your Daddy. He is the most awesome guy but he couldn’t stay.

He left too.

He could have stayed but he left. It didn’t have to be this way. Nothing did. I don’t hate him though; maybe meeting me was a part of his life story and he had to move on in his journey.  And he was a part of MY story; a chapter in my book.

I stood up and walked to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water. I was sober again; once again the temporary death I so sought from ale stupor had been invaded by my crowding thoughts of what could have been and wasn’t going to be.

I walked back to my room and slowly took off my clothes and crawled into the bed naked; my hot body taking over the cold sheets and somehow I blacked out the demons from sheer exhaustion.

Morning came and it was the next day.

It was time to let go. To let this pain that held on to me go. It was time to forgive and let go. I had grown tired of this pain and I wanted it to stop. It was only I who could stop it.

I know I will never forget you and a huge part of me will always be with you; I feel like I will always love you; silently, from afar. And I truly, sincerely wish you well. We have had many good times and you are your own person and I have loved you for the uniqueness of you and how you made me feel while we lasted.

 I have been angry; and I have cried many nights; I have prayed many nights; I have been angry with God many times; I have spent money on material things to make myself feel better many times. I have endured.

I will no longer have this burden in me. I am tired.

I have been hurt but I no longer want to carry the hurt; I am tired; I wish you well; I loved you; with a passion like no other man I have loved before; and maybe I will love again; I don’t know.  I don’t know if it will be with the same intensity. It will just never be the same; a lot has happened to me and I am not the same woman I once was. The innocence I had to love again and feel again has been taken over by the experiences I have had. Subdued into silence; subdued with memories; carrying the strength I have left in silence. 

Loving you was like war-I never came back the same.

I will remind myself I deserve to live and be loved and to love and I will love myself first.

I will remind myself that my body is no longer yours to claim  when it aches for you; that my valleys are no longer yours to explore and my lips no longer yours to kiss; my breasts no longer yours to cup. For in your eyes I can only see sunset.

And when I take down your pictures I will remind myself you do not belong on my walls and when I feel the fabric of your clothes and smell you on this here t-shirt; I will remember how much I hurt when you left and I will remind myself that your presence no longer belongs here.

When the music plays I will remember that I will dance with you no more and that my waist is no longer yours to hold as I move my hips to the rhythm.

Love does not have to be this complicated. 

And I will remind myself of that; each time I think of you and how I love you still in-spite of everything.

That love is not selfish.

That love holds no grudge and love forgives.

Sometimes you need to walk away from people, not because you don’t care, but because they don’t. And sometimes you need to walk away; not to make someone else realize how worthy you are; but for you to understand and acknowledge your own worth self-worth.

I will no longer hold on to what let go of me.
Liberated........

Dear God; I tried my best; and if today I lose hope; please tell me that your plans are better than my dreams.