If
your life was a song, what would be the lyrics to your song?
Would
it have a steady beat to accompany it?
Do
you think your life sounds more like pop rock music, with waves of guitar
strings? Or more like hip hop, filled with attitude and self-validation?
Perhaps
it is quieter, subdued, like soul music, moving up and down softly, like
shadows on dunes or waves in the ocean…
If
my life were a song, I’d say it would be a mix of different genres of music…
One
minute my life sounds like hard rock and am in limbo, without a care in the
world, swinging my imaginary long hair like them band members I would see on
t.v; in that space I don’t care about my problems, am just like “fuck it; it is
what it is and I can’t do anything about it”
In
that space I just hurl the weight of the world down, like a sack of potatoes I had
been carrying…
Sometimes
my life sounds like hip hop and the lyrics to my song would be full of attitude
and I would not let anybody cross me, in that space, I swear I can feel myself
invincible, and am like “I could run this shit, no shit’s gonna get to me and
if any shit tries to get to me, ama fuck that shit outta my way”…
Most
times, my life song is soft and gentle, like a breeze on a summer night, or
like a candlelight in the stillness of the night, in that space my heart feels big,
it feels a lot of things, most things I cannot even explain except on paper, or
I just sit by myself and just soak in all those feelings.
Sometimes
I feel like I could just give everybody hurting a hug and make them feel
better, everyone in a lonely place, every sad heart, because I’ve been there
and I know that a hug can go a long way in making someone feel better without
saying anything.
I
suppose a large part of life song is soul, for I tend to feel deeply, I understand
that probably not everybody gets this deeper side of me, hell, I don’t think
anybody in my family has really gotten it either.
I
don’t think they have really grasped just how deep I can go in my thoughts, in my
mind and may see me as a little queer.
But
I have no fear of this, words are my comfort space, in them I can be anything I
want, and on paper I can bleed and I lose myself. I just wish I had more time
to do it.
It
is nothing new, being seen as queer; when you’re a little different from the
general folk, most creatives are seen as a little weird, perhaps deep thinkers
or lonely sad people with nothing better to do than follow shadows not really
fitting in with the crowd.
But
you know what, a lot of events in life’s history have transformed the world, events
started and pursued on by people seen as weird or “different” in their
abilities and interests.
The
world laughed at Christopher Columbus’ rantings when he wanted to see what else
was out there in the world, this was exacerbated by the fact that a number of
his journeys resulted in disasters but he never gave up, he still believed in
himself and what he loved to do.
At
that time everybody thought the world was flat, and that if you dared venture
too far out, you would fall off its cliff and get eaten up by huge monsters
that lurked there... But because of someone who did not give up despite being laughed
at, we know now that the world stretches miles and miles and you cannot fall
off anywhere.
Everybody
laughed at Noah and thought he was crazy when he was building the Ark, talking
about some rain that would come and wash off everybody off the face of the
earth? It was unheard of, even unrealistic.
The
rain came anyway. And for 40 days and nights, it did not stop...
If
it weren’t for Isaac Newton we would not have fully appreciated the laws of
gravity and motion and electricity, breakthrough science to so many things we
now enjoy.
Apparently
Isaac Newton was born prematurely and was so small that people did not expect
him to live. It is estimated that he may have been born up to 15 weeks early;
he was also a stutterer.
All
these people among others have pursued their uniqueness and believed in their
abilities and pursued what they loved to do, even when people laughed at them.
They
had their own lyrics to their life songs and danced to their own tunes.
I
always talk about how we do not always see ourselves as others see us because
often times, we underestimate ourselves, mostly because we want to fit in, to
be what is considered as “acceptable” “normal” and “consistent” with the world
and with everyone else in it.
In
this way, we lose our spark that which we need to stand out and create. It is
dimmed down by social expectations and weighed down by life’s problems as you
navigate your way through each deadline at work, or through each bill you have
to pay, through family expectations and through parenting responsibilities or
marriage obligations, and in large part, lack of support by the people that
matter in our lives.
I
think people underestimate the power of a supportive partner, friend or family;
it can be the difference between achieving your dreams and living an empty
life, the difference between feeling confident and feeling worthless, love is a
powerful thing; love can inspire and change people; it can change the world
And
lack of it can do so negatively..
Lack
of love can change a person, and ultimately change the world
It
is because of lack of love that we have experienced wars, it is because of lack
of love that we experienced slavery and racism and so many other inhuman
things.
Lack
of love and appreciation can easily dim down the spark in a person, change
them, make them cold, make them lose energy in themselves and how they see
themselves, it can alter who they are supposed to be.
I
still remember how in my past relationship, my partner, used to make me feel
less of myself at times. It was what you would call...”subtle jabs” that I used
to brush off. Comments that would worm their way to bruise my self-esteem, such as
my makeup, or how could I not easily grasp something, or a remark about my body
and appearance, or it was in a stare about something I had said when we were in a
group of people that warned me about how I probably shouldn’t have said that.
I
don’t know why i stayed so long in that relationship, maybe it was because I convinced
myself that if I did this and that he would be more accepting of who I was and
he would be proud of me. It was very important that he would be proud of me.
Now I know that you have to be proud of yourself first, more than anything.
In
all this I was slowly losing my spark, I don’t think he fully understood or
appreciated who I was as a person, and my love for words and expression and the
creative ARTs; I think self-image for him was very important and how he “looked”
and his reputation..
I
realized later that we were total opposites, and even though we were initially drawn
to each other somehow, eventually this relationship ended, of course I did not
come out of it scar free, there was a lot of pain and lessons along the way.
After
this relationship, my spark dimmed and it took a hell of a long time to get to
a place where I felt almost back to my normal self. For a long time I felt like
an empty shell of myself, I was going through life on automatic, smiling at
work, getting things done and coming home to sit quietly in front of the t.v
till I fell asleep, sometimes crying on the floor till I fell asleep and the
cycle would continue next day.
I
packed away my pen and paper and forgot about my interest in writing, I could
not even place myself in my safe space, it used to be where I would go each
time a cloud came over my life, this time I couldn’t even write a thing.
I
told myself what was the point of it all after all, who cared anyway? But the
truth is, there are people that still cared, however because my spark had dimmed,
I did not see this, I did not see myself as others saw me, I did not see myself
in God’s eyes and how he loved me because in that moment, I had not been loved right,
and in that moment I was like a bird with a broken wing that was unable to fly.
In
that space, the words to my song were lonely and empty and caged, I did not see
myself as someone who was worth contributing to this world.
I
had been loved wrongly, and in that space, I felt like I had failed and therefore
the lyrics to my song were flat, like a guitar with only one chord.
However,
through all this and in my journey in rediscovering myself and who I am, I have
learned to accept the pains of the past and continue to move on with my life.
Not
that I will forget those pains because I won’t, but that the past would not be
my present and that my past hurts would not stop me from living.
In
my journey to rediscovery, I have been different people, I have been an angry
person, angry at God and the world, at my family, at my friends, I have been
angry with myself, I have been a sad person who would spend hours staring at nothing,
or spending hours awake because I couldn’t sleep, I have been a numb person, unfeeling
and unmoved by words of encouragement, I have been a quiet person, being invited
out and ending up in a corner alone, I have been a loud person, trying to attract
attention. All these different people were just someone who ultimately just
sought inner peace.
I
am still learning even now just how to be comfortable in my own skin, to love
myself unconditionally ,regardless of what the world says I should be, to be
me, to love myself regardless of who or what hurts me, to forgive myself for my
mistakes and not blame myself when am not loved right.
I
am me and I have within me right now, everything I need to deal with whatever
the world can throw at me.
