I Died Once And I still Remember....

I died once and I still remember the pain

I remember how tight my chest felt,

I remember not being able to breath,

As if submerged in water and how it hurt

I remember how small I felt, engulfed in emptiness’’ shadow,

I still remember the cold,

It went right through my body and made me shiver like a leaf,

It consumed me...

I remember the void, deep and hollow

I remember what “nothing” felt like it was more painful than “anything”.

I died once and I still remember the pain

I still remember how my body shook, wrecked in sobs that I couldn’t control

I remember the pain in my eyes and how they hurt as if there was sand in them,

I died once and I still remember the pain,

I still remember the bitter taste of food, the bland taste of water and the sweet taste of alcohol

I remember because alcohol was better; water was life, it was for the living, I was dead, a ghost among the living

I died once and I can still remember the pain,

I still remember the inaudible voices and the voices in my head,

I remember how surreal the days were,

The sun rose and it set, and I was just there standing like a ghost, as right I should have been for I was dead, I had felt myself die.

I still remember how dry my throat felt; each time I tried to swallow it felt like I was trying to swallow pins and needles.

I hemorrhaged from the inside,

I was losing life,

To what shred of life would I hold on to?

I walked among the living,

 I tried to be like them, tried to laugh like them,

Yet inside I was bleeding to death.

It felt like i was diseased and all I wanted was for it to all end 

I died once and I still remember the pain

I remember how it felt dying,

Losing myself, losing who I was

Seconds passed,

Minutes

Hours

Days

Weeks

Months

And I was just there, feeling myself dying, 

Feeling my life leave my body,

I was weak from the pain I felt from dying

And weak from all I had given

I had almost nothing left for myself,

I died once and I remember it all, 

I still remember not recognizing the person in the mirror, with her sunken empty eyes and dry lips, lips without color.

I died once and I still remember the pain,

The pain of getting back to life, 

I still remember the will to live

I remember it all, 

It felt like pushing myself through a thick set of vines to break free

I remember how I ached

I still remember the pain of getting back to life, as if hauling myself up from a cliff with my hands bleeding and my thighs sore 

And it all felt like war,

It was a battle

And for a moment I wasn’t sure if I would win

And yet somehow I did, I pushed through the thick vines and I hauled myself up from the cliff I had fallen

And there I was, alive and breathing

As if I had come up for air from the water

I can still remember the throb in my thighs as my muscles tightened and then released from the intensity,

The fast beating of my heart and how louder it got,

Reminding me I was alive and that I was here. 

I had made it.

I died once and sometimes I still remember the pain,

Like embers inside me it glows softly

Reminding me of the burn that once was and now no more 

I died once 

I choose not to die again,

Not this time 

Not ever

 

I choose to live