Marriage?Dating?

I have come to think i may be single for a while..
the reason is simple
i cannot simply find a match in the myriad of men!
of course nobody's perfect-Hell,i'm definitely not,
that doesnt mean i dont have any standards..NO hold it,am not saying am having mine too high
Mine are simple-clean,easy going,focused,sense of humor,spiritual,respectful and generous. I dont care much about looks as long as the guy doesnt have a flabby belly. I get attracted by personalities,no matter how cute a guy is,if he is arrogant i wont give him a second thought.

In the few relationships i've been,the guys only realise what they had when i left.
And i was bothered by incessant phone calls and "romantic" thingyis..
I dont get why they do that..the whole aftermath realising..
i think guys like it when you give them the cold shoulder..
anyways lately i just dont care..
most of my friends are married..if they arent they have a couple o kids or something goin on..
Me?? oh i just sit back n watch..
 "You have a kid? congrats! bla bla"
I dont go running about chasing after men when they act up-after all they do claim that they are men,so why cant they walk the talk..am not going to go down that road again.."teaching" a man how to treat me-didnt his mother teach him?...

Back in high school i used to think i was gonna sail through life with no hiccups...as it turns out..life is no place to just "SAIL THROUGH"..you dont always get what you want or need...
I used to think i was gonna get my papers..get that guy and make my parents proud..
I came to realise that i was in fact trying to live for society...a great mistake many make.
You date because other people are dating,you dress a certain way,speak a certain way,go to a certain church...
It began to suffocate me..
Each day i woke up it felt like everything was starting to close in..
My first boyfriend was..well..ordinary..i was in college..he was in college..i had never had a boyfriend in highschool,i mostly kept to myself...i didnt like all that pretence of highschool..and besides i was pretty shy,keeping to the library instead of going out there-good thing i was at a girls boarding school-no drama.
.oh well back to the bf...yeah he was soft spoken and we shared the same passion in music-i was a hip-hop and poprock freak then! Yeah..with ATTITUDE lol...i had my lil aloof swaggy shit n all that.

Anyways,dated him for a while-a LONG while actualy,even thought i was set! but..in the end it didnt work out..i wont say why..ok i gues mostly communication breakdown..
..after that i vowed never to date (,he was my first love afterall) to be single forever and just adopt some kid if i wanted any kids..love and sex were overated and marriage worse.
I didnt want to start obsessing over marriage and kids like most of my friends...
I kept myself busy in my books and ART..oh yeah and work...
Later i found myself liking someone again..
turns out he was a jerk too..so selfish..
NEXT..
he was married..
NEXT..
emotionally handicapped..
YO...i got tired.

Besides with all thats going round its pretty creepy to get married,the lies,the cheating,the drinking-and then especially as an african lady..there are just so many RULES!
If at all i get married-if God decides i should, i want to get married to my friend.
Few people marry their friends-to those big up to you.
Some marry for society,to get that respect from society,some feel therz nothing out there so might as well the next idiot that shows up,some just dont want to be alone,the idea of being stuck in a rut freaks them out,some want kids..etc...
Stimes i get that little motherly kick when i see baby socks and wish i could have my own baby..but it goes no sooner than it comes..i have no man to motivate me otherwise..

When i was in love i wanted to have a zillion kids for the guy-(fantasies)

whats that?

any guy i like right now?

Maybe..but you know how they all come with baggage.

Not many people get me,i tend to be hard to understand-i go this way and i go that way. But one thing am certain of is..i like me just fine.
 And i speak my mind-most guys dont like that..so yeah...i may be single for a pretty while longer yet! lol Not that am complaining...but you know how we women are-we are naturaly nurturing-its not our fault-its His.
When i love its all or nothing
maybe thats the reason why i get so hurt when things dont work out. Even when i tell myself i wont.

My experiences have changed how i respond to things.
I gues you could say am more mature now,i hurt yeah,but i dont let it control my life anymore
I take things as they come-not that naive anymore..wedding dresses are not my priority-The TRUTH is.

I think i like this one though...so will see