Age Aint Nothn But a Number?.....

Was just listening to Aaliyah’s “age aint nothn but a number”,I loved Aaliyah,still do.

 Her music is part of the reason I grew up to be a self-confident woman. You should check out some of her music. "Age aint nothn but a number" remains one of my favorites to this day,as well as "Four Page Letter" "Rock the Boat" and "More than a woman"

I liked that at such a young age she was able to achieve so much. Sad she died.

That “achievement” included marrying a man 12 years her senior-When she was only 15.

I wonder whether she really thought she had found love or was just carried away by the teenage thrill.

Most of my friends seem to think dating an older man is more convenient. They feel he is safe and secure and is already grounded unlike a younger man.

In fact, for some of them, dating somebody the same age or two or three years older isn’t enough, they need someone much much older starting from 5years and above.

My Mom is 8years younger than my Dad-I don’t know whether she was looking at that issue as well,but eish,he behaved like a 20 or 18 year old at times. Goofing around, drinking etc.

But you know how it goes-she shipikishad. (For our sake) They are still together. They bicker but that’s how they love each other I gues. We just look on.

Lately though, we see quite a number of ladies dating younger men. I gues they find them not too uptight as the older ones.

In spite of the social norm accepted for a lady to date an older man, we find that gradually,the younger guys are going for the older woman,but then even though the older woman may date a young man she will rarely marry him. He’s ok to have fun with for a while until an older man comes along. Whether the younger man is better or not,the older guy will win because it is socially acceptable.

People will always talk,whisper in corners about a ”Mrs Banda” or a “Mrs so and so” who is 10years older than her husband. What was she thinking? Desperate woman

Sooner or later the whispering get to Mrs Banda and her insecurity will kick in,she starts to feel old and unattractive-even when she’s hotter than an 18year old! It just zaps her out.

Of course as a woman when you strike a certain age, things just turn upside down.

At 18 you are all about attitude and you have this “whole life ahead” of you,you still make huge announcements about your coming birthday.

At 21 you feel like you are SO mature,that you have everything set and you can conquer your challenges. You make a “Life Plan”.

By 25,after a couple of heartbreaks or being jobless you realize that your “Life Plan” isn’t panning out and you only have 5more years before you are 30.

You tell yourself oh well,at least you not even there yet,so no need to fret. But you stop announcing your birthday,or if you do,its not such a big deal anymore.

28-you have 2 more years before you clock 3 generations-your eggs are getting older and there is still no sign of “Mr Right”,just the “mr right-nows” wasting your time. Actually you could have dumped them but then you still wanted to believe they were the one.

By 30 you are clueless and wonder whether you stand a chance at all.

Each guy you meet has baggage. Kids, divorced, married, widower, sick, pot bellied, boring and fat, is impotent, is in a “complicated” thingy  or something and so you resign yourself to a miserable life ahead without any guy and being unhappy for the rest of your life. That is-if you let yourself go.

And then as you live your simple life,this young hombre appears in your life claiming he’s interested. You wonder whether this is some sort of prank. D’heck does HE want? Doesn’t he have video games or movies to watch or something to download somewhere?

You tell your friends about it and you laugh about it over a couple o drinks-the whole lot of you-a group of late 20s or 30 singles that haven’t gotten laid in months.

You convince yourselves that the younger guy is just a waste of time. Its such a process!

One of your friends who is more liberal and has gone out with a younger guy asks who this young Hombre is,and you tell em about him.

“Does he have a job?”

“yeah he does”

“Whom does he stay with?” she pushes on

“He rents a crib by himself”

“And is he mature?”

“what do you mean?”

“I mean,is he the kind of guy that offers to pay the bill,open doors,call instead of texting?”

“…erm..ye..ah?”

“I think you should give him a chance”

“What? No way!” You stand up spilling your drink. “I mean c’mon,he’s just a kid”!

“is his dick a kid?” one of your friends smirk

“how the hell am I supposed to know that! Why would I go about exploring a kid’s dick?!”

“how can a “kid” be able to work and rent a crib” she continues unwavering

“Omg! Go check his freakin dick yourself!”

Your other friends shoosh you guys and you sit down quizzed out.

“ok,if it’s the guy you were talking about,I know him. He’s actually pretty cool. Its ok,if he likes you,have a lil fun-you need some after all waishiba,I mean he may just turn out to be better than your Ex,besides its not like you gonna marry him right?

You ogle at them. “marry him” seriously…you think to yourself

Before you open your mouth another quips in “yeah and am sure ali kwata ikulu”

Oh lord. Is this all about sex?

“imwe guys,its not all about sex! There’s more-I don’t wanna be a “baby sitter?’ His dick may not be such a baby but his brain may be? “

They laugh at that.

The liberal one opens up again “just give it a shot,not all guys are bad. Young or older,it just depends on the maturity.”

With a couple more drinks somehow the subject dissipates and you revert to talking about how miserable you all are. Those new shoes you bought at Walliz are burning you through, your friend’s daughter-she’s a single mom-will be starting grade two and she’s up to here looking for school fees while the idiot of her father is getting married to someone else. Your other friend’s boyfriend didn’t call and she shares the text messages she was exchanging with him and together you try and decipher what they mean and ultimately conclude that he’s a jerk like the rest of them. But you know that they are still gonna be together and that even if she complains each time you guys meet,at least SHE’s getting some and you aint. Ting!

Basically I’ve experienced a situation where a younger man was interested in me.

I embrace the fact that I age gracefully. I’d easily pass of as a grade 10 pupil when am in my natural hair and wearing a uniform or a lil dress! I mean,school boys have made passes at me before! Lol. Sometimes I wouldn’t know whether to laugh or cry when they did.

And so another scenario presented itself. Tall,dark and kind-am a sucker for kindness.

When a guy is kind I just melt.

At first when he made his intentions known I thought he was joking so I brushed im off n didn’t take him seriously. Surprisingly enough he persisted.

We’ve been friends but I had never given him a thought to be more than just a friend.

A couple of my friends thought he was nice and cajoled me to give it a try-in spite of my misgivings.

So I was like what d’hell and did my “you-only live once” mantra and let loose.

At first it was a lil awkward, I kept thinking about how young he was and what the hell was I doing?

Kissing was another story-he needed a lot of lessons. I don’t know whether he was trying to kiss me or trying to snip me lol.

Long story short,I didn’t really enjoy that date. Partly because I wasn’t really myself and HE was a lil nervous.

I decided to call it quits before things escalated, before the baby got “attached”,I told him I wasn’t ok with the age issue,and I had just gotten out of a really bad relationship-that he knew about all too well-so no thanks. He mentioned he didn’t mind about the age-I still thought he was just sayin that-thinkin to myself-he may not mind now but he WILL mind later.

We continued to hang out as friends even though he was still interested.

Sometimes when he thought he had a chance ,he’d flirt or try to steal a  kiss from me-I still found it awkward. But gradually what really drew me to him was the fact that he was kind towards people.

I almost thought that perhaps I may just lose my insecurities and date him and see where it leads.

We went out-to a club. There were other people. Seeing him dance with the ladies younger than me made me feel old.

I watched im bob around with her, and deaf to the music I thought to myself,eventually as I get older,he may want to go out and I’d feel too old to come to a place like this. And just like that I zapped out.

This wasn’t gonna work.

Or could it?....i continued watching…well..he’s got the energy,and I mean who wants a boring guy who cant or wont want to have have fun?

I caressed my cider and flipped my hair-I may be older but am gorgeous, why else would he approach me? But then maybe he’s just into this older woman fantasy and just needs some “wisdom” from me. Nevertheless…couldnt let this night get wasted. I stood up and went over dancing sexily, shaking my booty,challenging the lil girl he was with-she accepted defeat and I continued to dance with the young lad,giving him my ass and winding,up n down. Givin him the dip,twerking this way n that. Lol the night was young!

It didn’t change the fact that I still didn’t take him seriously. I was just having fun.

When he was breastfeeding I was walking for cripes sake!

Yet he was still interested.

I wonder why. He said he thought I was hot and fun and focused and confident. To him it didn’t matter how old I was.

I was more hung up about my age than he was.

Gues that’s why we find it not so simple to date a younger guy

The age factor is kind of an embarrassment to most of  us ladies.

Dating a younger guy isn’t all that bad when you think critically about it,it all depends on who the guy is I gues,and especially if you are a confident woman,it attracts the guy even more.

He’s younger so you think he just wants to have sex-all guys just want sex-right? Well,no. Actually younger guys may not necessarily want to get married right away but they still want a relationship.

The age factor isn’t so much an issue to them I found,in fact it kinda makes them want to “man up”-not that am saying that they are “kids”..but well,you know what I mean.

The younger guy isn’t really hung up about his losses in life because he doesn’t have so many of those so he isn’t so guarded, he’s more optimistic about his attitude towards life.

 He has more energy….which obviously means great love times and more fun activities because he’s still out there. Not that an older man wouldn’t want to do such things-but he’d probably feel you should do those things with your girlfriends while he attends to other things. Its like older men are less likely to think outside the box than the younger men.

For some men,the more successful a woman is the more threatening she appears to be. Younger men don’t really get threatened by that,in fact they LIKE that you are independent and got it all “together”..which ultimately makes them want to work harder at pleasing you.

Maybe the disadvantages of dating a younger guy would be that there are still external judgments coming from family and friends. I mean he introduces you to his sister and you  find that you and his older sister are probably the same age,or you are of the same age as his aunt.

You may need-in fact WILL have to brace yourself for that awkwardness if you mean to date a younger guy.

He may not have matured enough in his twenties. When questions about marriage start popping up,and whether he wants kids becomes a lil confusing for him.

 He is still transitioning and you haven’t got the time to wait till he evolves!

Career direction is another challenge,he may not have figured out what he really wants and will be hopping from one idea to another,not being consistent. Making you feel like you are standing on top of a volcano waiting to erupt. His accounts are not so much in order,he is still thinking about  buying this or that and you wind up bailing him out in most cases,which makes you feel like you are his mother or his cougar.

But ultimately its really all about how connected you feel towards one another. In the words of Aaliyah-may her soul rest in peace-“Age aint nothn but a number”. I mean look at J.Lo,she's like so hot and she seems happy?

All relationships aren’t easy with or without the age gap issues.

....My young lad just called-asking how my day was.  He’s sweet like that.

In fact I should probably not even stereotype him by saying “my young lad”-don’t they say “mwa muna siya chepa” after all?(some Zambia saying) Meaning “a man is never young” a man is a man regardless.

Although I’m flattered by his interest and I enjoy the feeling of being wanted-every woman enjoys that-I’m skeptical about his sincerity am skeptical about any man’s sincerity after all my experiences.

 Not that I would want to have a relationship with him-right now I don’t feel that way about him. I don’t see us dating. And the age thing is just but one of the reasons. Nevertheless I’m glad I got a chance to meet him.

As always I have learned something about myself-yet again. 

A glass of wine would do before bedtime-JCLeroux. Cheers..

The Bitch in Me

Being a bitch isn’t necessarily something women want, its kind of derived over time through crappy experiences.

I can be tolerant, but when pushed I can be a bitch to protect myself.

Being a “bitch” isn’t all bad, when used in the right way, its just bad when it gets in the way of your personal life and starts to irritate other people.

Last week I had to deal with the office bitch drama-this office bitch; who happens to be a guy thinks he runs the office and bulldozes his way around doing things.

Am sure you have probably come across the office bitch one way or the other, you know that one who seems to make you miserable.

Everything is about them.

A couple of times I have been at logger heads with the bitch, he doesn’t like to be challenged,he is one of “those” typical African men, I just have to do things without asking and I fail to do that,because I need to know why I am doing things the way he says I should do them,I don’t work on commands,I believe in team work.

 This office bitch has on more than one occasion tried to jeopardize my work by withholding information, making rude remarks-which he felt weren’t and at times handing over work he should have been doing because he found it “boring”.

Most organizations don’t have any “anti bitch” policy; if you will, so they don’t see the bitch bullying you around.

The Bitch does not necessarily have to be aggressive; the bitch will take credit for your work, sabotage your work or simply ignore you, like you aren’t even there. Some bitches use obscene language.

My particular bitch likes pats on the back, taking credit,is pathetic at communication and withholds important information.

In most cases,reporting the bitch to HR only makes things worse. HR often have their hands tied if the bitch is upper management.

More people find that reporting the bitch to HR only heightens the animosity. And most people that are bitched around prefer to leave the workplace.

Its not pleasant to deal with a bitch-its emotionally and physically taxing and you  can wind up feeling depressed.

I must say,I was very depressed.

But I learned that to deal with the bitch,I had to bring out the bitch in me too.

The bitch in me comes out everytime i feel taken for granted.

There’s nothing I hate more.

Starting from “boys” (that claim they are men and the usual of “am not like the others” story they sing) who dont return calls, down to the office bully.

I hate being taken for granted, especially when I know for a fact and its clear that I have been doing my best in everything.

Initially I may feel a little depressed,but after that am in the “don’t give a fuck” zone,where if the office bitch zaps his way I’d zap right back in a cool controlled manner and that would be the end of that.

Because life is short,I wouldn’t want to waste my time agonizing over someone I wasn’t even born with.

Heres how you can deal with that office bitch:

-the sooner you sort out the issue the better,tell the bitch you don’t like him/her being bitchy,that it makes you less productive(don’t say he/she makes you sad),he’ll take advantage.

-listen to your gut,guts are usually right-especially when it comes to the office bitch,if you feel like he’s sabotaging your work,he probably is.

-keep records of all incidences, you will need that in case of a management meeting or in case of court-yes it can even go that far.

-Don’t share stuff with the bitch even on a good day,he/she will use that against you one day,the office bitch tries to find your weak points. So don’t.

-be efficient and do your work diligently (I learned that from the Queen herself (my mother)), there will be nothing to pin you on if you do your work correctly and efficiently and even proactively. It pays off. This is particularly important if the bitch is a guy and you are a lady,there’s all this stereotyping that you need to deal with and you have to work twice as hard to prove yourself and earn your respect.

-Conquer evil with good. There’s nothing that annoys the bitch more than an assertive co-worker,even though it may be a challenge at times, retaliate with goodness.

-Don’t always say yes to the bitch-he/she will take advantage; they need to respect that and not take advantage of you. When you say no-say why and mean it.

-Meditate, I found this has really helped me a lot,in times when I felt I could hit the bitch with a stapler,I learned to control myself.

I have on several occasions liked some guy or the other,but eventually I find that they have “handicaps” with communication. That brings out the bitch in me too.

See when you tell a lady you will call and you don’t-really you cant blame her when she gets bitchy. Its seriously undermining her. Either you will call or you wont. If you wont-NEVER say “I’ll call you” as a way of goodbye or hanging up farewell. She will be the baddest bitch-especially if she likes you. If she doesn’t like you-she wont even go red when you don’t call.

Another thing that brings out the bitch in me is-being broke.

When am broke I get bitchy because I cant do my hair,cant buy any shoes,cant pay for this bill or the other,cant send money to mom, and I cant go anywhere on weekends so am stuck at home on facebook,or stuck at home with a boring channel and endless texts from Ex boyfriends,which make me even bitchier. In a nutshell I feel stuck somewhere when am broke-and it makes me a tad bitchy.

Periods-those ones its automatic-every woman is a bitch because of them. You just have to deal with them.

Kids-sometimes they make me bitchy with their wining.

No sex-am on overdrive and I cant get any? Of course I’ll be a bitch-a snappy loud mouthed bitch. He isn’t serious and you not getting any. Or he’s there but he has some other funny girl somewhere and you are just a sideplate,of course it will make you bitchy because one you blame yourself for getting into something like that in the first place,so you “bitchilize” yourself , oh and maybe the same kama girl calls you (however she gets the number) and calls you a bitch too for “being with her man” and you bitch on her for calling YOU a bitch  and three,-how dare he lead you on when he knew nothing was gonna come out of it so you bitch on him too-and he winds up being-“like the rest of them” or he’s single quite alright but the guy has no clue what you need-so you bitch him too. How can he have no clue-Bitch.

Why cant he just be gay already then!

Even when you wave your tits at him he prefers football or the bottle  or his goon “buddies” to your plump ass.

To say we are from Venus and they are from Mars is an understatement.

My struggle in a man’s world continues.

I don’t mind much being single lately,I like my space-just miss the sex every now n then-the good sex that is, not the pathetic one where he doesn’t seem to know what he’s doing-but I’ll save that for another day.

Most men are just too much work. I don’t have the time to “educate”.

Yes we aren’t all perfect,I get that. But-the level of blankness in our men is just too much.

And no its not because I go to “the wrong places” whats the right place anyways. Theres no “right” place. We just meet em-when it happens it happens-you give em a chance and they just blow it.

Maybe I’ll get myself pregnant by some guy that I’ll like next and forget about it, dump his ass if we don’t click-I’d have had a kid and that would be more than enough then…sit and wait for menopause.

Yup-all in a day’s work.

MY PRAYER...

Often times I wish I was half prayerful as my mother is.

I admire her prayerful stance.

Maybe its because of her age. I’ve noticed that people tend to get more prayerful in their old ages,I don’t know if its because of the closeness to the end,maybe they want to make amends for all the wrong that they did in their younger years. Or maybe they just get “wiser” in their older years.

Am not saying that all older people resort to prayer after writing the Will! :)

I used be quite prayerful when I was younger,I would talk to God about anything.  And then I don’t know what happened,I don’tknow  if one can blame work or…growing up as an excuse for the gradual gap that developed between me and God.

I remember when I was baptized,it was kind of a surreal feeling you know. I remember walking into the water towards the man ordained to baptize us..pushing myself against the weight of the water,as my legs grew heavier with the height of the water  and i walked slowly towards the center..and  as he submerged me in the water,there was a brief moment of silence as I was in the water…it felt different in there..like it wasn’t exactly water…kind of like..being held by a hands made of water..

I was so certain I would follow my God to the very end,through it all,withstand temptations and put satan to shame,be an example to the world of what was close to innocence and perfection.

I’d get married to a spiritual man,who would equally have the same ideas as mine and have three equally upright babies-hrmph!

Funny…

And then lo and behold “we” discovered the ugly world..”we” found sex..found alcohol…music…pornography…we found that sometimes you have to lie to get your way,even when you don’t want to..we found ourselves doing things we wouldn’t expect ourselves to do to survive. Sometimes you just cant run away from them you know..like bribing the RATS for example! Or paying an extra fee to somebody that can push a quick release of your passport perhaps?  See in this country,it is almost impossible to stay away from corruption. One way or the other it just lands on your lap.

And then I found that I wasn’t so perfect after all,that I could fall,and I could fall real hard.

I gues I felt unworthy to be in my God’s presence,and even as I prayed,I felt like He wasn’t even listening.

Being in Church was something else altogether,I felt fake,a hypocrite.

Sometimes you feel that way,that you not worth it,to be in His presence because of all the things that you have done,and you tell yourself,whatever misfortunes you are going through or have gone through is all your fault and that you deserve them.

Of course, our actions results in consequences and we have to contend with those ;they teach us a lesson.

But am talking about instances where you just feel like the world is against you.

That unworthy feeling you get.

I cant say that am a very Christian person,but I believe  God,I believe that there is a higher being.

You could say that am spiritual,I have my flaws but I believe in prayer,I believe in its healing powers,whether you are hurting or you are sick.

Prayer is very personal.

If you believe that there is higher power greater than yourself that can influence your life,you will believe in it.

As individuals,there is a need to feel protected by a higher being, the need to feel and know that we can be forgiven. We need a majestic power.

We pray for others,we pray for someone to get well,or for someone far away,that they are safe.

We pray to ask for something.

We meditate, our  ultimate union with God.

You don’t just pray  because you’re a staunch Christian and you live by the Book,you don’t pray because you believe that when you pray,you automatically sign up for heaven.

You pray because prayer works within you,to transform you into a better being.

Prayer is not about being somebody you are not,its all about becoming who you really are.

In all this identity crisis that we go through at certain points in our lives,prayer helps us rediscover ourselves.

Prayer has proven to alleviate suffering in patients that have a serious illness. It is a form of pain management that even medicine cant explain.

When you pray,you encourage relaxation,which lowers your blood pressure and other things that can cause stress.

You let yourself go to something greater than yourself and you stop trying to be in a stressful position of wanting to be in-charge of things all the time,or worrying about them.

When you pray,you gain hope and expectation,which ultimately results into a more positive attitude.

I found that,when you go through certain challenges of your life,even though you may not change things in your life prayer can do so much to comfort you. It helps you to cope better and be more assertive in the things that you face and how you respond to them.

I found that,though I am not perfect,I fall constantly,I have my prayer to keep me going,to keep me grounded,to keep me humble.

It gives you that healthier physical and mental well being.

As I continue to get to know my God everyday,I continue to pray because its for me.

Its for my soul.

Through all the things I go through,work,family,friendships,love,loss,through my highs and lows its my Agate.

And even when I get to a point where I feel its impossible,I will pray,when it feels even harder to pray,even when tears fall from my eyes,when my heart bleeds,I will force myself to pray. I will seek that power within that comes from prayer that cant be compared to anything else,that can help me concur my challenges. I will pray.

I am a woman,I am my mother’s daughter.

And I will pray-regardless,for I know that there IS power in a prayerful woman.

MY "V".....

I love my vagina; I love the fact that it doesn’t look as creepy as the penis. Unlike the penis which looks like a deformed snake, it looks like a cute flower.

Everynow n then I look at her to see how she’s doing,does she need a shave,maybe a lil massage therapy,some kegels-which unfortunately some women don’t know a thing about-but now they will know.

If she could talk she’d tell you about the gory details of when she lost her hymen-and how she felt.

Losing your virginity is a big issue for her. She has to face this creepy looking deformed like snake pushing up her mouth! Flexing in, winding down her throat and  it just doesn’t lodge there, this  creepy “snake” snakes in n out  in all that tiny hallway.

She’d tell you about how she has to deal with the gyn visit, the period visits and then theres the child birth.

The vagina has enough stamina.

I look at it and am like wow-so strong,small yet flexible enough.

Seriously underestimated.

 Kinda like me you know,when people see me they tend to underestimate because am usually this sweet n bubbly lady,but I talk about the things people “like me” wouldn’t normaly talk about. I can be blunt and I can be sharp and it leaves some people shocked. Anyways that’s kinda how the vagina is. Its delicate appearance makes one wonder how is it possible that a baby can come out of there-and endure so much snaking from the “deformed snakes”-am not shooting my brothers,we love the “snakes”(and the “worms”,well,not so much the “worms” but anyways…) its just a little creepy that’s all. For a moment we forget how creepy it is when we are doing you but sometimes we look and say “seriously”…God is good all the time-and all the time God is good. I gues He alone knows why they look so creepy and we look so flowerish. I like God’s sense of humor,I mean just think,he gives the pig thirty whole minutes of an orgasm?! Ahahahaha A pig of all things,why not us? lol

Anyways,back to my vagina,I have always been comfortable with how I look down there,until recently when some events started putting questions in my head.

Aparently,“As an African woman,one is expected to have long labia before marriage” .

I had heard about this “malepe”(African word for labia) thing when I was but a teenager but didnt put my mind to it, just a young girl focused on my studies I figured the other girls were just obsessed with sex and didn’t pay much attention to school work.

Plus my mom never talked to me about it.

When I became a full grown woman, I still didn’t think it a big deal,I never had any “complaints”,and I still haven’t had any “complaints” in fact all I’ve had are “compliments”.

But now I’m beginning to wonder whether my little flower is realy up to speed with “African sexual technology” of the long labia.

It is believed that a woman should begin to pull her labia at puberty in order to lengthen them for when the time comes for marriage(back then) for now I gues its for when you are ready to go full throttle regardless of marriage. Lets not pretend that people are not having sex before marriage because they are-irrespective of whether they go to church every weekend.

A couple of ladies I know recently got married and someone asked me if I knew of any “methods” for the “pulling of the labia” before they got married. This is a hush hush kinda subject among the ladies. Men are not supposed to know but nowadays they do aparently.

I politely said I didn’t and kept quiet,thinking to myself that I needed to find out just how seriously people take this thing.

I asked around a couple of guys how important it was for them for a woman to have this long labia. Some said it wasn’t an issue, they realy didn’t care much,only two out of the eight I asked said they liked them. And why? I asked : “it feels good as you go in,it enhances the sensations.”

 Out of the two, one said it was a must that a lady should have them, to the other it wasn’t such a big deal.

Some of my girlfriends take the issue to heart and say a woman,particularly an African woman is supposed to have the long labia”malepe”.

As we sat chatting and sipping tea-I was having coffee as usual, which am not even supposed to take-one mentioned  that if you got married without them then your marriage was doomed and your future husband would cheat on you,even divorce you because of them. I honestly found that totally ridiculous, no offence but why would someone divorce me over labia? Isn’t that little exaggerated? I asked.

 And one of them just looked at me and said “oh,just wait your time will come” it kinda sounded like a threat! This long labia thing freaks the hell out of me.

“what exactly do you pull?” I asked

“the labia”

I wasnt so clear but I let it slide

“so why exactly should I pull mine? I mean is it a must?”

“it enhances the guy’s sexual satisfaction.its like a door with a curtain on it,without them the guy just goes straight in with no friction and it helps you get tighter,these guys know about them,you think they dont care but they do,they talk about it among themselves” one of them said.

The door with curtain theory kinda didn’t fit-firstly as an interior designer lover I know for a fact that a curtain by the door would spoil the whole room, unless maybe she meant those beaded ones. Nevertheless…..and then there was the image of guys talking about labias.....

I thought about my little flower and how cumbersome it is for the “snake” to get in. The tight thing wasn’t an issue,I was already tight enough,parly because I do kegel exercises

“don’t you guys know about kegel exercises to make your muscles firm down there?” I asked

“what are kegels”? one of them asked.

I explained that you hold, flex your muscles down ,kinda like how you do when you pee and hold and pee and hold.

“nah,those don’t do anything! You need the long labia”

I didn’t want to argue,I was enjoying my coffee too much.

“so what do you use to pull them?” I asked giggling in my cup

“some use pegs”

“PEGS?!” I was aghast! “are you serious?!”

“yes,for a quicker fix,but others use mango leaves,the tiny stems from there,some use herbal medicines”

I almost chocked on my coffee with laughter  when I imagined myself with pegs on my labia tryn to move from one room to the other as they clung on. Epic.

“and how  “long” should they be?” still giggling

“half your pinkie is fine”

I was amused.

I’ve heard stories of “chezelaz” you know where the bride is kept up all night by a gang of women that give “advice” on marriage issues, including sex positions(even when you know all about them already) and they even go as far as checking if the bride to be has these “long labia”.

For some that take this seriously, if a woman doesn’t have them(every woman has them by the way,its just the length),they go back to the in-laws and tell them about it,then the in-laws will pay “hornless cattle”for  lobola; if she has them then the cattle will come with the horns. The hornless cattle was considered a shame.

I came back home and looked at my vagina I have treasured all these years,that has seen me through so many periods and through the bad and the good sex ,so loyal to me. Must I realy pull and deform her?? How will I be able to wear a pant?! My eyes grew wide as I looked in the mirror imagining the horrific scene. No way, am not gonna do it,I turned away from the mirror.

I rememberd what one of the ladies had said “you pull the labia” which one exactly? The outter one or the inner one? I didn’t know. Later on I found that its actually the INNER one.

I lay down on the bed n took off my underwear began feeling myself and trying to figure out what to pull,I got bored in a second.

Plus the skin there is just too delicate for “puliing purposes”,I decided others can pull theirs if they wanted.

Next day I did more research,asked around, I found that women that have been having sex all along without complaints still find themselves pulling before the wedding day,as a “requirement” for marriage,almost as if it were a seal to keep a marriage. The groom obviously gets a “surprise”..seeing this “change”.

It doesn’t  even seem to matter the level of education, whether independent woman or not with phds,masters or whatever,our African society of women take it realy seriously as part of culture and also as a guarantee for great sex especially for the man. Very few of us like me,don’t consider much of it.

I know of women that haven’t pulled and are totally happy,maybe even happier than those that have pulled. Both sexualy and  even other aspects of their relationships, its all about being compatible.

So I did some research like I said and found that actually,it’s a practice done in most parts of afica,for sexual enhancement,mostly for the guy,though the research claimed that even women enjoy it , as the penis rubs on the labia it acts as a catalyst for a woman’s orgasm. So am like-hm, ok,if its for MY enjoyment too,then maybe I might consider it.

What I have against this whole things is how it has been championed as a keeper of marriages to keep the man. No long labia=no safe marriage=high cheating probability=high chances of divorce.

I believe If a man will cheat,he will cheat,irrespective of whether you have a long labia or not.

I believe a woman should enjoy her sex life with her spouse; its not easy for a woman to have an orgasm,if the pulling of the labia helps with that,then its fine,do it for yourself FIRSTLY,then for HIM,don’t do things soley for him,even when you don’t like it for the sake of keeping the relationship. Theres nothing more frustrating for a man than a woman that pretends.

  And there is nothing more compressed than a woman that is not happy about her body.

I believe a woman should embrace her body in order for her to realy enjoy sex with her partner,most women are too self-conscious about this n that such that they don’t let go and enjoy the sex,their mind is too worked up thinking they are embarrassing themselves.

If you like the long labia and believe its good for you-go ahead,and pull,so long as it doesn’t pose any health risks for you. I don’t have anything against it,if it makes the woman happy and she is totally healthy. Good health is important,and particularly good reproductive health for the woman.

As for me I like the way I am just fine,i enjoy sex regardless of long labia or not,i believe it has to be enjoyed,God made it so-maybe I may change my mind in the future but am not thinking about pulling anything,using pegs,mango leaves,smoking pwder,herbal porridge or any of that. Whether its for culture’s sake or not,afterall its just some person long ago that started the whole thing and was so influential it was soon accepted by the majority. You just have to be convincing enough. Even I can make some funny “culture” if I wanted today and people would adopt it for generations to come if I have a large following. Not all “cultural” things are worth keeping especially those that infringe on a person’s human rights.

Am ok with the way I look, no one can make me pull anything. Am ok with the "length",i believe they are long enough otherwise "people" would have complained or told me about it.

If the man who wants to marry me demands them and am not ok with it,he just has to accept it,am not going to change my body for his sake. He should love me enough to respect that. If he is solely looking for long labia,he can go and find it elsewhere, then he isn’t worth it,because all that he is thinking about is the long labia.

He is marryn me as a whole,long labia or no long labia and I will be marryn him as a whole person,creepy penis and all.

A real man should be able to accept who you are, respect who you are. You chose him out of all the idiots in the world afterall,he’s one lucky ass. Inspite of his ego issues,you still chose him and he is blessed to have found somebody that tolerates him.

He isn’t perfect,let him not demand you be perfect,it doesn’t work that way.

I think people should be more forgiving and more giving in the relationships they are in,putting themselves in the other person’s shoes. Wanting  whats best for the other. But now most people are just too selfish, all they think about is themselves and their needs. Sad

Hmm,Plus One,In case you are wondering, I will not put my energies on my Plus One anymore,I feel he isn’t ready for something as deep as I can offer him. Am cool with it,I have learned from this,just as I have learned from others before him and have yet again discovered another side of me which is pretty interesting. That’s the thing about me,I always surprise myself with the people I relate with,they just continue to unearth more about me.

Its bedtime.